To delete or not to delete

Trying to sound as if I am totally unconcerned. I even showed that I will support him in his quest to win her heart. Give him tips and my promise of secrecy. I thought it will be the end of it after last night. I purposely woke up late and then went hill-walking with my advisor to walk off the fats.

Was really surprised to receive text from him. Apparently it has not ended. I still have to deal with him. I wonder if he text her as well. I wonder if she replies his text. Maybe I shouldnt be replying at all.

The hurt to my ego has healed, I guess. Miracle courtesy of my positiveness in life.

Though I doubt that I might be able to really cheer up for another some time.

Still contemplating to leave his texts in my inbox.

I am convinced

I am convinced that my lards of fat is what turns guys off.

They are not interested in me because of my tons of body fats. They can only be friends and that is all they will be.

Looking at the lines on my hands... consulted an amateur palm reader and found out that I should have a few relationships before reaching my right he.

Dont think I ever get a chance to have any relationship if I dont lose one quarter of my current weight. I am just being realistic. A quarter of my weight gone and I should be a normal fit person.

Deep down inside I wish he will see a slimmer me and decide that I am the one. Also knowing at the same time that this might not be possible.

But one can always dream.

The reason for such an outburst from me now at one go is because I feel as if I am going to explode if I dont get this out of my mind.

fine, I lied

I lied...

about not seeing it coming...the first crush him....I saw it coming...I knew that him and her are going to hit it off. I knew that I had no chance whatsoever ever since the hold-hands session I alone witnessed. I pretended I knew nothing. But I couldnt stop myself from hoping that some kind of miracle will happen and he will notice that I am there and I am should be the one for him.

It didnt happen and I really did swear to myself that I will not build any hope in this...

about the second him chatting with me... She was there too... But I didnt know he was hiding his interest in her when he didnt pay much attention to her when he was actually is.

Which was what hurt me the most. My ego. Crushed.

Another him

this him is a him that I have day-dreamt before.

the night we spent chatting with each other. Looking at each other...

My heart fluttered...

Can he be the one?

I spent the next few days thinking about him. Seems to float on the cloud nine.

Could this be another crush?

Or will this him ends like the last him?

Today, I received a piece of information from him... an information that shattered my fragile heart. Leaving me blank-minded. I dont know whether to laugh or cry.

I think I like her.

Another her and he is not my he.

Why do i have to be in this position every single time?! The position to push she to him whom I want to be my he and her he.

God, I wish I am dead.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, I was fascinated by BGR of people of my own age. I have never been interested to know a guy.

There was time when I was totally embarrassed by the fact that people thinks that I have something with a good guy friend. But it was resolved with a little open discussion between me and him. Then, our relationship seems to have gone a step ahead. Something that normal good friends wouldnt do but we did it. The IT that will make my parents and my whole family coming after me and him with knives and guns for doing it. We will be so dead. Somehow this IT was easily forgotten by me.

My ever so weird characteristic. Extreme forgetfulness.

Anyway... my first attempt of a boyfriend proved to be disasterous and totally failure. It was not only weird that my family seems to be approved and yet totally against it. Nevertheless, it flopped and we didnt make it to the happily-ever-after. I been bitter, ignorant and depressed. I wonder if I have truly get over it.

Then, I ventured into my first ever crush experience....

I had day-dreamt of guys that I admired...but they just arent as serious so I dismissed those as day-dreams and not crushes...

this time,I seriously considered this guy as the one for me. But I was destroyed when I saw him holding her hand or was it she holding his hand. I was depressed by what was happening that I was completely moodless and depressed for a couple of days. as ever, my sense of positiveness shone thru and I recovered fast

Sensing an extreme urge to vomit due to the over-the-top compliment of my positiveness... Bluek...

Occassionally I let myself build up hopes and then let the hopes be crushed when I see more development between him and her. Sucks big time. Depression hits me each time this happens and I will pour it out to my few advisors so that I will get over it.

Swearing that I will get over this and start my life anew... I completely accept the fact that me and him will never be me and him after a certain revelation from him.... I swear that I will not be desperate and let nature takes its course.

Characters?

I want to write in pretend names so that I can get away with what I write here. Who knows who might see what I write here.

I guess the first character is me. So since this will be about me, I guess there isnt a need to tell anything about me...

this will be a pour out of what is maybe the truth but in a twisted way. I just need a place to pour out my words.