Sorry for being away for so long. A lot of things has happened and I just keep delaying and missing out on a lot of stuff.
Know the feeling of being accused... being verbally attacked?
Was I just too sensitive about it? I am not so sure. It just felt like I was under attack and I couldn't defend myself. Now that I think about it. I am not going to take back what I said. That is what I think and if it doesn't suits her, then that is her problem. I should not be bothered by it.
Another matter is with the recent accusation of the suspicion of me being planted with some curse. What kind of bullshit is that? And then trying to get me to go to this someone who is said to be able to detect the curse and remove it. I am not going. No way. Like another someone has told me, if I feel fine, then I shouldnt even give this a thought.
Hmm.. Sometimes knowing more is not necessarily better.
I was suddenly overwhelmed by the resentment of certain attitudes...
But.. I concluded that I am actually not resentful but jealous. Jealous of other people's good fortune.
I wish I can win the lottery so that I dont have to worry financially for some time period. But this is just me being a lazy bum. I am becoming more and more lazy actually. Sheeeshhh...
So.. being a lazy bum, I am also very dependent on others and I expect people to be totally supportive of me. I get frustrated when I feel that there isnt enough support. Darn.. I know I shouldnt...
Up till now, each time I tell people about my financial problem... About how I have to pay for so many things at the end of each month. End of the month isntead of the beginning of each month because my salary comes out at the end of the month and it is almost gone before the start of the month. Makes sense?
Anyways... despite of not paying for my petrol (actually, i do sometimes)... I still manages to drain all my salary.
Almost everyone I have talked about this critisized me and suggested that i cut down on this and that. Anything that I am paying is my own fault that I am paying for it and so I should not have handphone. I should not have Astro. I should not have eaten so much food. That way, I will definitely be able to save money.
Handphone. No need to have it. Why pay for the handphone charges? Pointless!
Astro. You dont need the luxury of having Astro. Cancel it! Who ask you to pay for the two decoder account. Wait! Now I am paying for three decoders. Stupid! You dont watch so dont subscribe.
Food. Why go out to eat? Prepare your own food. Bring your own food. Why spend the money outside?
What? I also give money to my younger brother? That one you should. It is your responsibility.
Time to retaliate.
Handphone? no need for it? Dont joke with me. People blame me when they cant contact me because my handphone ran out of power. So imagine if i dont have a handphone. Then, you wills ay use less. Call less. Dont use the registered line that you use now. Yea, right! Previously when I was using prepaid, even though I live with rm50 each month. Half of the time I was suffering of low credit because I had to make calls to Brunei and Peninsular Malaysia. I was blamed for not reloading my handphone credit. Now... I am using registered line - my expenditure is abut rm60 each month. I consider this as a necessity and reasonable for me.
Astro? I dont watch? This house is supposed to be my house. My sanctuary. I am willing to pay for my decoder. But the other two? People said that I am stupid to pay for that two. So stupid. Yea, I am. But i am not paying for it this month. No more.
Food. Prepare the food myself? You are supposed to go out to buy the food before you can actually prepare the food. So... it is supposed to be cheaper. Great... I still need to pay for them and I dont feel any cheaper. Get my mum to prepare me food? Quite some time ago, she did that and I had food poisoning twice in the same year due to the 'freshness' of the food. I am phobia-tic of overnight food now. i spend twice the amount on food whenever younger brother come back home.
My responsibility to give him the money? Why is it only reponsibility when I also have an odler brother who gives none to him? who also do not give his share fo the Astro payment.
My monthly frustration. Each month I look at all the bills in teh house and have to deal with all that. I ask for financial help and I got none. None!
There was a time when I was completely broke. I straight forward spoke out that I am totally broke. And guess what? I was completely ignored. My younger brother also voiced out that he is broke a short while after I have mentioned my situation and get the money instantenously. What the fuck?
Air tickets... I have been purchasing younger brother's tickets to come home and basically get none of my money back. What? What is that talk about paying me back? I dont see any!
I am thankful for the sponsorship for straightening my hair...the allowance when I went travelling to Korea... even the offer to get me a new handphone..
I have decided that I will not be paying for Astro this month. Not money to younger brother too. I am too broke. I have once again drain all of my cash before the new month has even arrived. Within one day, my salary is totally gone. I am following the advice of you people. I will not give any to anything else if I cant afford it. Fine. Then this is what I am doing
But I cant help to feel so frustrated and agitated when my parents messaged me a sms of someone's details. expecting that I know what the hell they are talking about. telling me to buy a over rm1000 air ticket for them.
I am just so agitated now. I am just so upset now. This is once-a-month thing. I hate it.
I was looking through the pictures I took in Seoul this afternoon. It reminded me of something. Something that I havent been able to express.
I hate the pictures that I asked people to take of me.
Usually, I will think of how I look and hate it but this is different.
When I take a picture, I will consider the view as well. Example, at Nami Island, where you can take picture of the pine trees along the path... the scenes of the famous Korean drama, Winter Sonata... I will capture the scenery of the trees with the people in it so that when u look at it, you will definitely see and know where that place is.
But guess what? My picture of me, so close up and with a bit of tree trunks at the side. How in the world am I supposed to say that that is where the drama is filmed. It is so shitty.
Then there is also this tour guide who kept urging other people to walk quickly and then she herself asked people to take picture of her and then kept telling people that you will have chance to take pictures later. But then.... where got?! She asked people to take picture of her and then urge people to walk quickly to the next place. Where is that chance to take pictures? So fucked up.
The so-called 'please roam around freely yourself' is not true at all. Why urge me to follow around when you say 'please roam around freely yourself' It is just so... fucked up.
Back from hiatus, I guess.
Right after the rush to the deadline, cousins have flocked to Miri for holidays. Been busy with that.
Many things I want to pour out about. But I am worried I might lose all the thoughts before i can even write it out.
One. The most recent one.
What with your complaining about that interest? Not happy? Fine! I will pay for it. I will even pay you extra. Happy now? You should be. Now pay what you owe me. It is ridiculous that I should suffer because of what you did. Where did all the promises gone to? PAAAYYYY!!!!!
Second. Related to the first one.
What are those talks about how I should sacrifice. I should help as much as I can. FUCK! I CANT DO IT. I keep helping and helping and helping and I cant FUCKING complain about it. I CANT FUCKING say out what I feel. I CANT FUCKING express my opinions about things. Everything I say is like CRAP to you. No one is willing to understand me. They say they do but turns around and tell me to keep helping. FUCK!!!!
So fine, I am not complaining about it. I am not talking about it. I will protest with strategy.
The midnight call from me who was stranded at the roadside.
The delay in inquiring for certain something.
The delay in fixing certain something.
My way of showing my dissatisfaction. But I dont think it is enough. I want to say it all out but everyone is NOT WILLING to hear it out. Oh yea... NOT WILLING. You can pretend to say that you are willing and all but all you do after that is to patronise me as if I have done so much wrong. That everything that I been protesting about is wrong. I should continue to sacrifice myself. FUCK the willingness. You are just the same.
Another thing. What is wrong with going to the same place again and again? Tell me. What is wrong with that?
You patronised me for going to the same place to shop. Told me that there is nothing to shop there. Nothing to see there. Already gone once, why go again. And then, what happen? You yourself go to the same place. You yourself go to the same place (over and over again) to shop. What the fuck?
So, what's now? I can't tell anything. I can't say anything to anyone. As if everyone has deserted me. You expect me to save and scrimp for people who will spend it all on themselves.
Ah! Should I also mentioned that it has reached a point where you no longer care of my safety? How I wish I will get killed instantly in a car accident. How I wish. I dont have to face all this.
Perhaps I am depressed. Perhaps the loneliness at home, no, this house has finally caught me and is killing me inside.
Home. There is no home anymore. This is just a house. Not home. You said I should take care of the house since I am living in it. Where is the money to take care of it? From me again?
Money is root to all evils. I am a slave for money. I want to spend all the money I earn on myself. I want others to give me money to spend. I faithfully give my share of the responsibility each month. I even give more than I should. And what do I get in return? Pay more. Give more. More patronising for not saving any money.
Each month I am at the verge of crying when I see that I have to give away so much as soon as I receive my pay. Today salary in, today all gone.
Last month, I managed to save up a huge portion due to the bonus. Then, that is also all gone because I have to GIVE MORE.
Money is a strain to me. It is my ONLY security and I dont have it.
I cant tell anyone of this. Cant. All they say is I should keep giving because that is what I should do. What keep within my limit? What limit? Every time I have saved up a bit, they will take it all. What limit? I cried out that I dont have any to spend anymore. What they do? They give more money to someone else and none... I repeat. NONE... for me.
The car. It is grandpa's car. The car that he took so much care of when he was alive. It is now like crap. They blamed me for not taking care of it. How am I supposed to do it if I dont have the resource. When I mentioned anything about fixing the car or anything wrong with the car, I am ignored as if I am talking nonsense. Take care of the car. I wish I can but it is not in my power. Do you think I dont want it to be good as new? Do you think I want it to become a crap car?
If I hadnt called when I was stranded at the roadside at 2am, I would be still driving a car that will die on me any minute. You patronised me for calling at such ungodly hour. But do you realise that this is the only way for me to get attention, to get people to actually care and anxious enough to fix the car?
Save your sympathy. I am too bitter to see your sincerity. All I can think of is how you will say that my thoughts are wrong. I have seen it far too many times.
Finish.
The 'you' and 'they' are referring to different people at different time.
Taking a break from taking a break...
I have a few things that I want to blog about but... somehow, the words just wouldnt come out. I cant find the right word to express it... It is so weird.
Currently working overtime and overloading myself... Feeling as if I am getting more and more unhealthy...
Ok, back to being on hiatus again. Another week to go.
I wonder if it is wrong to put such hope on such thing.
I know he is not the right one for me. I know I might blow up if I cant stand his attitude. I know both of us have the temper that can rival each other. I know in many ways, both of us will not be able to match each other. Both of us have expectation of our soul mate that is different.
Somehow... I sort of wish for him to, perhaps, think of me as a potential soul mate.
I think I am just getting emotional from the song that I am listening to...Bleh..
Went to attend a seminar last weekend. During the seminar, the speaker encouraged everyone to express their love to their parents.
Call your parents after this. Tell them that you love them.
My parents were sitting next to me during the seminar. I saw my Mum crying because she couldnt tell her parents that she loves them because they have passed away. My Dad... I cant tell if he was sleeping or he was crying as well (If he is sleeping, it is totally forgivable because he had been driving for a very long distance that morning so he must be very tired).
I didnt say anything to my parents after the first session of the seminar.
To tell the truth, I am not inspired at all by the speaker. I am not motivated at all.
To say that I dont love my parents is also not true. I love them. I miss having them around. But I just dont say it outloud.
I guess the stress from work and everyday life have made me different. I get more and more impatient with things and get angry and annoyed easily....
Hmmm... Anyways... I did call my Mum to tell her that I love her two days later. Still haven't say that to Dad yet. :p
I find myself forgetting things rather easily these days.
I can forget what I wanted to say one second after it popped in my mind.
I can forget what I has planned to do.
In secondary school, I used to tell people that I forget so easily that I can forget what is my exam mark five minutes after I get my exam mark.
The other day, I forgot how old am I. I forgot how many papers do I still need to take for my CPa. I forgot when I plan to complete my CPA program. I forgot.
I guess my situation now is something like people who go out of their hometown to study and thus you have to handle all the finances in your life. Finances such as payment of bills and food and rental and possibly car maintenance etc etc etc. Source of cash is from the parents. When you dont have enough, you get your parents to send you more money, that is if your parents are willing to.
In my case, it is slightly different. Ever since I start working or more like ever since JW start studying A-level, I have been placed under an even-tighter financial budget. How so?
Got to start way early then... Earlier on, I dont have to worry about all these things like bill payment. My monthly expenditure is very basic, which is reload card of RM50, car petrol, lunch at Uni and occasional window shopping expenditure. Clothing, shoes and accessories are very rare for me. I guess my total expenditure for one month is probably about RM300 and this is so... over-stated, I think. I used to envy my best friends for being able to shop for shoes and clothes anytime they like. Btw, they are not from Miri so their parents send money for them to spend as they like.
Then, I was given the responsibility to collect the rent and use it to pay for the home bills. I wasnt happy. I dont want to be held responsible for such thing. I somehow can predict the pressure that comes with it. I was slowly handed the responsibility and only gain full control by the time I start working.
Anyways, at first, the little balance of the money is my extra allowance each month...Then, the privilege was taken from me when JW went to study A-level and I was given another financial blow. I am supposed to give JW allowance too.
Then, stress built up as there is no one at home anymore. Instead of having hot meal prepared for me, I ate heated pre-coooked meals... and suffered mild food poisoning three times in one single year. No more pre-cooked meal after that.
Each month, my salary is spent on handphone bill (aproximately RM 60 to RM100, I managed to cut down to RM 70), grocery shopping, JW, Astro... Nothing much left. Even if there is, the next month will surely clear up the whole saving. The rental is no longer enough to cover the home expenditure because for one and a half year, it was expenditure for two homes.
Using my salary and savings to cover for every single thing. It took its toll on me and I am tired. I really am.
I am worried about myself.
My naive self. My innocent self.
I think I getting more and more tainted. I seems to have adapt a more aggressive and hate-able attitude.
I hope that I dont drive people mad at me. I really hope I dont offend people.
How to find that old innocent me back again?
This is possibly the first pic in this blog. I think...
Anyways... I dont think I ever idolise any female so much. This is should be the first one. I think. Cant remember anyone but tell me if I have. I tends to forget. This one has actually lasted for a few months.
I want to be like her. She is Yoon Eun Hye
Btw, I like that black dress she wore in that pic. But i doubt it will look good on me.
He is non of my business guy... He really is... But once a upon a time, he ever is the guy I have crush on.... err...or was it infatuation..haha
Saw him with a girl. Saw him holding hands with a girl. Saw him looking kind of uncomfortable that I saw him holding hands with a girl.
I hate myself for dressing rather shabby at that time. Why didnt I dress more nicely le? Damn...
Hahaha... I am very optimistic... Erm.. Or should be forgetful...
Got over It already. So fast can get back to normal.
I love my forgetfulness...hehe... :P
My eyes still open till now. So I guess I better write this down and see if it help me to get some sleep....
Cant believe that it happen. How can he do this to me? To be with her and still giving me hope that there is a possibility between him and I. Argh... this is so frustrating.
How can I fall for it again? LS and QA are right. I care too much for something that is still not confirmed to be mine.
AAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Sleep... I need sleep... Give me back my sleep. I cant write anymore. This is way too frustrating to put down in words.
So frustrated.
I dont know if it is because it is just not my style or my inferiority complex.
I like single colour motif and despise multi pattern motif. I cant admire clothes with a lot of flowery flowery patterns on them... dont know why....
I want to get something that can be worn to smart casual dinner but... I just cant see anything to buy le. I feel so bloated in those shops. I keep on seeing myself as a very fat and unflattering.
Damn... Got to get this mentality out of my head fast
Suddenly remember about the time I attended a workshop about life.
Oh! Diversion from topic... I also suddenly remember the dress this girl is wearing. It is so cute. although it is colourful, it is so nice la.. Err... Looks good on her... :P
Anyways... I guess because I am already out working and I am content with what I have at work, the idea about been successful in life that means having extreme motivation and drive is neccessary. Err... Ok.. Like I have just said, I am content with what I am doing. So, I guess I have the drive and motivation in my job liaw so... I dont think by shouting out like a madman means I will succeed... Dont understand why some people actually go so emotional and cry... And why my seating have to be so near to the speaker. Then, the people in my group actually thinks I am so brave to step up first. Haha... I am not brave. I just know in my heart that this group of youngster doesnt have the guts to step up so dont waste time la... I will do it la.. Haha...
Then... I admit I was disappointed that my parents didnt come and tap my shoulder during that supposingly emotional time... Sigh... To hear so many other participants has their family with them... I guess I will probably be even more disappointed if the workshop has been a camping overnight workshop and the participants only get to see their family after two days. Luckily, it is not. Phew...
I have fear... I have fear of car accidents, cutting myself, death... Things that can lead to death...
Imagine myself losing control of the car and crash into another car.
Imagine myself cutting my finger when using a knife.
Imagine... urgh.. I am scared of all these imaginations...
Damn...
Frustration
Stress
Care too much
I hate it when I care too much.
Heard from tv last night from a former first daughter, Something Davies. She wrote in her memoir that she would provoke her parents so that they would slap her. When they did, she would run quickly to the washroom and look at the red mark on her face. It was a sign to herself that her parents love her.
I dont think I purposely provoke my mum...
Too upset to continue writing...
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