Frustration

Back from hiatus, I guess.

Right after the rush to the deadline, cousins have flocked to Miri for holidays. Been busy with that.

Many things I want to pour out about. But I am worried I might lose all the thoughts before i can even write it out.

One. The most recent one.

What with your complaining about that interest? Not happy? Fine! I will pay for it. I will even pay you extra. Happy now? You should be. Now pay what you owe me. It is ridiculous that I should suffer because of what you did. Where did all the promises gone to? PAAAYYYY!!!!!

Second. Related to the first one.

What are those talks about how I should sacrifice. I should help as much as I can. FUCK! I CANT DO IT. I keep helping and helping and helping and I cant FUCKING complain about it. I CANT FUCKING say out what I feel. I CANT FUCKING express my opinions about things. Everything I say is like CRAP to you. No one is willing to understand me. They say they do but turns around and tell me to keep helping. FUCK!!!!

So fine, I am not complaining about it. I am not talking about it. I will protest with strategy.

The midnight call from me who was stranded at the roadside.
The delay in inquiring for certain something.
The delay in fixing certain something.

My way of showing my dissatisfaction. But I dont think it is enough. I want to say it all out but everyone is NOT WILLING to hear it out. Oh yea... NOT WILLING. You can pretend to say that you are willing and all but all you do after that is to patronise me as if I have done so much wrong. That everything that I been protesting about is wrong. I should continue to sacrifice myself. FUCK the willingness. You are just the same.

Another thing. What is wrong with going to the same place again and again? Tell me. What is wrong with that?

You patronised me for going to the same place to shop. Told me that there is nothing to shop there. Nothing to see there. Already gone once, why go again. And then, what happen? You yourself go to the same place. You yourself go to the same place (over and over again) to shop. What the fuck?

So, what's now? I can't tell anything. I can't say anything to anyone. As if everyone has deserted me. You expect me to save and scrimp for people who will spend it all on themselves.

Ah! Should I also mentioned that it has reached a point where you no longer care of my safety? How I wish I will get killed instantly in a car accident. How I wish. I dont have to face all this.

Perhaps I am depressed. Perhaps the loneliness at home, no, this house has finally caught me and is killing me inside.

Home. There is no home anymore. This is just a house. Not home. You said I should take care of the house since I am living in it. Where is the money to take care of it? From me again?

Money is root to all evils. I am a slave for money. I want to spend all the money I earn on myself. I want others to give me money to spend. I faithfully give my share of the responsibility each month. I even give more than I should. And what do I get in return? Pay more. Give more. More patronising for not saving any money.

Each month I am at the verge of crying when I see that I have to give away so much as soon as I receive my pay. Today salary in, today all gone.

Last month, I managed to save up a huge portion due to the bonus. Then, that is also all gone because I have to GIVE MORE.

Money is a strain to me. It is my ONLY security and I dont have it.

I cant tell anyone of this. Cant. All they say is I should keep giving because that is what I should do. What keep within my limit? What limit? Every time I have saved up a bit, they will take it all. What limit? I cried out that I dont have any to spend anymore. What they do? They give more money to someone else and none... I repeat. NONE... for me.

The car. It is grandpa's car. The car that he took so much care of when he was alive. It is now like crap. They blamed me for not taking care of it. How am I supposed to do it if I dont have the resource. When I mentioned anything about fixing the car or anything wrong with the car, I am ignored as if I am talking nonsense. Take care of the car. I wish I can but it is not in my power. Do you think I dont want it to be good as new? Do you think I want it to become a crap car?

If I hadnt called when I was stranded at the roadside at 2am, I would be still driving a car that will die on me any minute. You patronised me for calling at such ungodly hour. But do you realise that this is the only way for me to get attention, to get people to actually care and anxious enough to fix the car?

Save your sympathy. I am too bitter to see your sincerity. All I can think of is how you will say that my thoughts are wrong. I have seen it far too many times.

Finish.

The 'you' and 'they' are referring to different people at different time.